Trusting the Sea to Calm

She remembers the days because they were the hardest.

The days where darkness overtook her thoughts and being. It was beyond darkness. It was an emptiness she almost didn’t return from before because her thoughts went that far – down a hallway where there was no turnaround. And it was years ago. 

So for it to return in earnest, so suddenly, and in a way that had her walking different hallways feeling utterly empty was beyond anything she could handle.

Not again, she would think.

There were moments it was so exhausting, she just had to sit and catch whatever breath she had. Because when you’re that empty, there’s not a lot.

But, God. She called out to Him. She asked for His grace. Said she could not face this again. Could not face it alone. Asked Him to pull her out of it. For three days, the familiarity of the past emptiness swelled, and morphed into the current.

Then, it just became numb. Rise, fall, settle.

Then, she stood in church and heard these words sung: 

Jesus, Jesus,
you make the darkness tremble.

And she stood there, glancing at others, wondering if anyone else felt what she felt at that moment. She stood there, knowing it was only Him who pulled her from this. From this darkness that has the capability of pulling some down a hole from which they never return. Why some return from this darkness and others don’t, she’ll never know or understand. But still asks.

But, Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear.
Your name is a light that the shadows
can’t deny.

She did return from the darkness. Allowed others in. Shared when asked. Was vulnerable, yet again.

She’s been down this road before, so in the middle of it this second time, she stands. She stands tall, strong and resolute with a faith only one who has been dealt such a life can understand. 

“He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed.”
Psalm 107:29

She trusted that. Trusted Him.

That’s what we are called to do. To trust, to obey, to reach out. It’s not only on dark paths, but troubling times. Times of weakness. Times of despair. Times when it feels there is no hope due to circumstances beyond our control, or even because of personal decisions made and the repercussions that follow.

“Now may the Lord of peace Himself
continually grant you peace in every
circumstance. The Lord be with you all!”
2 Thessalonians 3:16

It was only for three days this time, she reasons. It was for weeks before. But she held on to Jesus like her life depended on it. Help me. Help. Please don’t let me drown. Not again, Lord.

If there was a desperate cry to the Lord, this was it. She opened her entire soul to Him. She took what deep breaths she could. She moved forward – the only direction she would allow herself to move.

Get through the day. Get to the night. Get to the morning. Let the new day arrive.

Your name is a light that the shadows
can’t deny / Your name cannot be
overcome / Your name is alive forever lifted high / Your name

She didn’t know how to trust this the first time. And it’s not as easy as a bystander’s response of, “Oh, yes, trust Jesus always,” before they move on with their day. And you want to reach out and say, “But… wait.”

It’s deeper. The love for Jesus, because you know what He brought you through before. She clings on to that as many do in their own lives. Remembering how they have been saved over and again. With their lives. From places they don’t belong.

So she stands in church less than a week after returning to light. And she knew the song was coming, but hadn’t listened to it before. Not like this. Because sometimes we go through our days without witnessing. Without relating. Without letting everything in. Without waiting for the sea to calm.

Still, call the sea to still / The rage in
me to still / Every wave at Your name
Jesus, Jesus, You make the
darkness tremble.